((circa 1998))  It's hard to write about someone you barely know, yet feel an internal link to. But I feel compelled to make him his own page.

I met "Moran" in a very Cyber90's way!! Apparently he was home, sick, bored, and happened upon my website....and read it! and read, and read, and read, and read...... Then he wrote to me. Not the usual, shallow, empty mail.......... a deep, sincere, meaningful letter titled, "You have too much time on your hands." I loved that! Maybe I am a weirdo, but I really loved the fact that he called me on the way I spend my time! He didn't yet know that I have NO social life and that this IS how I spend ALL my free time.... building or rebuilding web pages. But the mere fact that someone would take the time to read it all.... that alone demanded my attention!

We wrote back and forth - - quite a bit - - for a few days. Which btw I lost all those emails from the first two weeks in a crash.... the BEST ones.... the ones that I really treasured... the 'getting to know you' ones.... the ones that would allow me to reread and slip back into those feelings like a comfy old pair of sweats and recapture the innocent magic of new relationships.

Anyhow.... we wrote for a few days, then the phone call! I called him.....I loved the sound of his voice... nothing special... just a very friendly, soothing sound. (I know...I need to get out more!) He's a philosophy major and a school teacher. Our conversation went crazy... I don't even remember what we talked about, but my stinkin phone was going dead. That nagging 'beep' that alerts you your battery is going dead, and I don't have a normal phone....

When the battery went dead... it was right back to the computer, and we talked some more. No - I still don't remember what we talked about - - and it really doesn't matter - - I just loved talking to him. After the phone had some time to recharge.... we were back on the phone.

He really wanted to meet me. Well.....I am very self conscious of the way I look, and the fact that I am very overweight only intensifies that fear of public ridicule and rejection..... but I really wanted to meet him too. I don't know why, I don't know what possessed me.... this guy could have been the local ax murder.... but I asked him over.

He brought my favorite... fettuccini alfredo n garlic bread....

I don't have a table... I don't even really have anywhere for anyone to set. My home is completely set up for one person. My main living area is all office. I had a lawn chair... but there is no table or couch. I had my desk, but he had to hold his in his lap! I felt like such a goober... but he didn't complain. Again.... we talked and talked and talked......Then the pressure! The bomb.   "Do you think this will go anywhere?"

Well.... I really liked him..... but c'mon... look at who you are talking to.... I have three divorces under my belt, the last one just one year ago (at that time). Why would anyone even WANT to get involved with me???? My past should throw up a million red lights and yellow flags.

Yet I was the one beginning to panic! I know me, I know I am impossible to live with, and I know how impossible I can be in relationships. I honestly believe God wants me to remain alone and unwed. I failed at countless relationships for various reasons, I failed at being a mother and I failed miserably at being a wife. I really like this guy... I don't want to curse him right now.

I vowed to myself that I would allow this a chance, but it WOULD, must, has to, needs to, move forward slowly......

Well..... it was very short lived. "Moran" is was a wonderful guy at the time... but he wants everything in a woman I cannot give (won't allow myself to even entertain the idea of). AS HE SHOULD.... he wants to be married and have that life that I dreamt of once upon a time, many scars ago.

I do not see myself living with someone again, let alone getting married and will not have any more kids. I am trying to buy my home and the land it is on. My dreams are not those of fairy tales anymore. My dreams now are much more practical, and not the subject of which I used to spend hours contemplating over. I see myself alone, with dogs, working, always working, trying to better myself, better my life, better my stability. I no longer believe in that 'prince charming' who might ride up on his white horse and carry me away to live happily ever after.

But that's what he wanted. He wanted to be able to sweep me off my feet, he wanted to be that Prince charming and make all my dreams come true. That innocence in him only made him more appealing. We always want what we cannot have. I will never have what he wants to give to him. I would have done him a grave injustice by even letting him think that these things might be in our future. I could not... I had to be honest. My heart is pure as snow and good as gold.... but honesty is not what people always want to hear. Sometimes people want to be deceived by dreams and fairy tales...... but I cannot do that. WHY???

No... this is not "Moran"..... but "Moran" does did look a LOT like Andy Richter before he blew up to twice the size....when i saw him about a year or two later ! And.... since I do not have any pictures of "Moran"....Andy will have to stand in as his double until I get a real picture of "Moran". In fact.... "Moran" was the one that pointed out that they look alike... and since he dumped me ( i say dumped with humorous intonations)... I haven't been able to even watch the Late Night With Conan O'brien show since.

I miss'd "Moran" for a while. Our conversations were so intriguing, and our time together was, for the most part, very enjoyable. Recently I contacted him needing to talk about parent/teacher issues... as my nephew is now living with me (written 1998 remember). But when I called... we talked for about an hour or more past the question I had and simple answer he gave. That told me that we still had something there. He said he wanted to keep in touch.... but he didn't call, and he didn't email me... or respond to my mails.... so I assume he only said that to be polite and maintain the 'Nice guy' image. A couple weeks later, after I sort of became friends with one of my nephew's teachers.... I found out that she was also a friend of his. Of course there was some exchange about this, and it was pretty obvious to her that I think highly of "Moran"..... but I didn't really notice until she pointed it out. Yeah... I really did like him, I really did like spending time with him..... why can't we still do stuff together??? I don't know!!!

So I called him. He answered the phone, "Elaine?" (his x) "Uh...... no.... sorry to diasppoint you! It's Rosie!" Again... we talked for close to two hours. I haven't heard from him since. I have called twice and sent a few emails.... no response.

SO..... I'll have to assume he was just being nice by saying things like - 'We should get together', and that we should 'stay in touch......' and I guess I'll just chalk him up as another memory gone by. Too bad.