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I still love the guy, I still admire him, I still respect everything he has worked so hard to accomplish..... My only regret is that I didn't meet him some time down the line when I personally wasn't such a mess.... and could meet up to what he deserves. I'm a little to emotional I think for him to handle. Nobody appreciates that part of me, so that's not his fault! When I first put up this site, it was just a little blurb about him. BUT ~ since things havechanged so much, this IS my forum, and one thing I always am is honest. So I'll express what my heart desires. This is a site about "WHO is Rosie?" well, this is how 'Rosie' feels. And this is how 'Rosie' reacts when her heart gets crushed, and she feels diss'd. If my wishes are respected, I will respect yours. My wish is openness and honesty, no matter what. When those are breached, I react by openly expressing myself. It's not a crime you know!! Although, I really don't know why I worry about it. |
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One day our cyber relationship was comfy cozy, and then I could feel him changing. On Christmas Day he pretty much told me he didn't feel the same anymore.... "It's not you, it's me....", you know! I can live with that. Well....I must have accidentally caught him online in January and he spared me about 15-20 minutes in ICQ. I did get a cyber greeting from him on Valentines day.... then he took off on Holiday ~ without writing to say he was leaving, never wrote when he got back either. We just don't talk anymore. Darrell really hurt me different than any other.... not worse, just in a very different way. |
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I miss our friendship and that sense of belonging. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. So I'm an idiot! I don'ttry to feel for him.... I just do. I don't try to think about him ... I just do. Just saying 'I miss him' doesn't quite cut it either.... I feel like I have lost my best friend. A piece of my heart is gone. I shared things with him that I have never been able to tell anyone else before. AND I shared things that nobody has even paid any attention to before.... but he did, he heard what I told. He cared in a way that nobody has ever cared about me.....at least I think he did. I can't express it enough..... I miss You Darrell...I really, really do..... We still share the sky, the moon & stars, and that can't be changed. |
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You know the drill..... one day it's, "I'm here for you, in it for the long haul. I'm not going anywhere. Trust Me." Then you turn around, what seems like the next day and it's gone, "I still care but....", "...it's not you, it's me", "You're a really great person, but..." Story of my life!!! I should be used to it. Whatever........ I think the next tattoo I get will be a broken window right over my heart. Yeah, once they get you to trust 'em and let 'em in, they bust right through your heart and are gone. Such is life. I never thought I would be good enough for him anyhow, and he's just got too much going for him to get mixed up with someone like me anyhow.... I guess I already knew that.... yeah, I did, but the little girl inside of every woman still wants to believe in Prince Charming!!! Duh, my own fault for even entertaining the idea. But it doesn't change my feelings, only my level of trust! And he had a hard time understanding WHY I didn't believe, "I'm in it for the long haul." Hmmm..... now do you know why??!! Pay attention you guys!!! Find the cahuna's to just be honest! Why is this so hard for men? |
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UPDATE: I was tempted to pack up the dogs and drive to Calgary anyhow. Something I would have done ten years ago, when I believed going that extra mile would show someone how much you really cared. Now, I'm a little wiser and a lot less likely to extend myself more than 75% of the way, let alone the extra mile! A fool - maybe, a glutten for pain and heartache, no thank you. Careful, I do have a mean, evil, wicked side if you push the right buttons and pull the right strings! Know what pisses me off the MOST? |
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15 Sep 98 So, what's the point of me adding to this page? Hmm, I dunno, cuz I can! Cuz I know he'd disapprove, no ~ he'd HATE this page. That's not 'why', but it doesn't hurt either. I s'pose cuz' there's no one else to talk to. In a way, I'm still awestruck that anyone could effect me so deeply. |
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Here's a guy that seemed so genuinely careing and loving and supportive. So wonderfully rare and refreshing. Deep and thoughtful. Convinced me to trust, let me feel loved, touched my very soul to the core, I let the walls and shields down for him. Yet, the end result was still the usual, thus the walls and shields go back up thicker and tuff-er than ever. I withdrawl even farther than I was when I met him. No longer do I dare share too much with anyone. I spend more time alone, and when I need him, he will not be there. I wasn't loonging for a 'man' in my life, or even someone to get that close to. All I wanted was a friend, someone who could and would actually last the longhaul. But in the matters of the heart, at least in this case, a friend can obviously hurt you more and cut you deeper than if he were a lover. I still feel the pain of losing that friend, and I doubt I will ever find another...like him.... because I am simply to vulnerable to try. I don't even want to meet another. I'll talk to the web instead. |
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| Addendum:
Aug 2002 I still think about Darrell. As a friend lost, a friend past. I still think, every now n then, about the hopes and dreams he had for himself that he shared with me and wonder how he's doing with them. Darrell truly was exactly who I needed at the time. He made me believe in myself again. He made me at least think about having another relationship at some point. As Joe and I were getting together and begining our relationship, I often thought back to the things I really missed that I had with Darrell. Remember, we never actually met - so what I missed was that sincerity and openness with another person. I still intend to drive up to Ontario if / when I go back to Michigan and see if I can't find Darrell, maybe ask him (and wif and kids?!) out for coffee or something. But my motive is only to finally say "Thank You" to him personally. He had a huge impact on me in a very positive way. I deserve to meet him. Why not?? Make the time and extend a thank you to someone who made a difference in your life. |
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You with the sad eyes But I see your true colors |
Show me a smile then And I'll see your true colors True Colors ~ Cindy Lauper |
*deep
sigh* Darrell!! 
It's
not like he's an asshole or ANYTHING like that. (Although that's
what he thinks I'm saying!) No, just the opposite I think. He was honest
with me, and polite, as well as being able to joke and cut up with me.
He's a total sweetheart, goal oriented, driven, prioritized.... everything
I could ever hope to find in a friend or beau..... He wasn't
a leech, he has his own life, his own interests, his own
friends, his own things to do, he wasn't jealous, he was
supportive, he was encouraging, uplifting, caring, gentle yet straight
forward.... he actually cared about the things I told him.
We shared common ground in Faith, He treated me good, like someone
very special, I felt like I was really important to him. But
damn it... I should have known better..... That is not the
kind of person I get to keep in my life. And...as they say, if something
(someone) seems too good to be true, it's probably not true. People who
mean something either leave or get taken away. That's just the way
it is. 