Action Item 1: Flatter yourself.
Most people have heard the expression, "It's not what you've got it's how you use it." If your goal is to maximize your attractiveness, you've got to take advantage of your best features. Accentuate the positive. While thinking of your body as an assemblage of parts is not healthy since you are more than just the sum of your parts, it's not a crime to take advantage of what you've got. Otherwise, even your best feature — eyes, in your case — won't stand out. It's your job to draw out what is most attractive in yourself — otherwise everything will get equal attention.

Note that there are many different types of advice for how to wear flattering clothes or how to accent your most flattering attributes. While these can be helpful, it is most helpful if you can find a friend or family member to go shopping with you in order to get feedback about what looks best in real life. Someone with a pear shape might look best in something with broad shoulders, but depending on who you are, that might not work. But remember, comfort is key. If you're relaxed in whatever you're wearing, your natural attractiveness will have a better chance of shining through.

Action Item 2: Know What's in Style.
You don't have to be a fashion hound to make yourself more becoming, but if you're walking through the halls of life with the jeans you wore when you were in 7th grade, you're likely to turn people off. It's similar for the size of clothing — it's great that an old reliable piece of clothing still fits, but that doesn't mean it still looks good.

Size is another issue. Fashion tends to fluxuate between baggy and tight, but keep in mind that while painted-on jeans send one message, and ones that are two sizes too big send another — neither are likely to make you look your best. The best thing to do is ditch the size obsession and pick clothes that make you feel and look good.

Fashion can be very annoying — it's fleeting and expensive. It pays to buy things that are relatively less obvious in their look — some of those "classic" styles that don't go in and out of fashion so quickly. Unless you've got money to burn, this is a good method to apply to your wardrobe in general. If you pay attention to the subtleties of what's in style, you'll be able to take something plain and turn it into something more fashionable.

Action Item 3: Stand straight.
Barring a degenerative problem or back injury, you have little recourse to get out of this one. Poor posture can communicate many things that may not actually reflect who you are, but people pick up those messages and make judgments based on them. Keep posture in mind, especially when you're in the spotlight or on a date. Being slumped over sends negative, body language. It makes you look unapproachable and unattractive. An open posture and face indicates confidence in general, which is an attractive vibe to give off.

It's not too late to train yourself into improved posture. Yoga can help, as can other disciplines — Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais, Pilates, most dance styles. If your back problems are chronic or related to stress or sustained activity, massage therapists or chiropractors can help. All of these things can take time and money, but it's often worth the investment since it radically enhances how you look and feel.

Action Item 4: Be at your Optimal Weight.
According to what you've told us about your weight and height, your body mass index or BMI, which is an estimate of body fat percentage, is somewhere between 41 and 40. Your BMI is calculated by dividing your weight in kilograms (pounds multiplied by .45) divided by the height in meters (inches multiplied by .0254) squared.

The US government recommends that people maintain BMIs under 25. In fact, maintaining a good BMI might be a good life assurance policy. Statistically, people whose BMIs are between 19 and 22 live longer than people who are below or above this range.

But keep this in perspective. If you're very muscular you're going to have a BMI that is too high even if you have an extremely low percentage of body fat. For example, Arnold Schwartzenegger's BMI most certainly exceeds 25, which would normally indicate that he's obese. Clearly this isn't right since his high index is due to his high muscle mass. But for most of us, the BMI is a pretty good estimate of whether we are in a healthy weight range.

You're outside of the healthy range, and what that means is really for you to determine. Assuming that your high BMI results not from excess muscle, but from excess fat, you might want to consider looking into ways to trim down. It can increase your health — depending on your own personal circumstances — and it can increase your chances of attracting other people to you.

You may be putting yourself at a heightened risk for some weight-related illness, such as high blood pressure, diabetes, coronary heart disease, stroke or gallbladder disease. And if you have excess abdominal fat, your risk for some of these problems is even higher.

Obviously, health concerns should precede your attempts to make yourself more attractive. But by bettering your health and reaching a weight more appropriate to your height — you can increase your attractiveness on every level, from how you feel to how you think about yourself and the world around you.

As for slenderness and America's preoccupation with it, keep in mind that while slenderness is generally considered attractive in America at this time, it hasn't always been revered. Looking at body shape preferences throughout cultural history, we see that heavier people were held in much higher esteem during times of economic hardship and food scarcity. And generally, tribal cultures in food-scarce regions consider weight an attractive attribute.

From a health standpoint, there's nothing that inherently makes skinny better than fat. Both carry health risks and both can have a negative impact emotionally and psychologically. There are risks involved in dieting in general, and while it is sometimes necessary to diet, you want to make sure you don't get caught up in a yo-yo cycle of gaining and losing weight, which is not uncommon and very dangerous. Consulting a doctor or nutritionist about this may be the best way to determine whether your weight is a serious health concern.

And remember that while your weight can matter to others in terms of how they assess your attractiveness, this is your body we're talking about, and it has a right to be healthy. The bottom line is, if you treat your body, yourself, and others with respect, others will find you attractive, even if you're hoping to shed a couple pounds.

Change Your Attitude

Action Item 1: Stop the self-criticism.
Being your own worst critic is one of the largest obstacles to growth. There's plenty of stuff out there to bring you down and, believe us, you don't have to help the process. Many people have endured put-downs and criticisms both inside and outside of their heads throughout their lifetimes. This takes considerable effort to undo.

Also, if you are depressed or anxious this can impact how you evaluate yourself, even if normally you have a healthy dose of self-esteem. Sandra Anne Taylor, in Secrets of Attraction (2001) provides many helpful suggestions for how to break out of a cycle of self-criticism.

"The pattern of responding negatively — even when you don't want to — has been called neural hijacking," she says. "This is the kind of uncontrollable and immediate power the brain has in predetermining your responses. If you don't want to be 'hijacked' into negativity anymore, you have no choice but to decide consciously that you'll only allow nurturing and optimistic responses to dominate your brain's activities." There really is tremendous value in positive thinking, and our next action items offer some advice for shifting your outlook.

Action Item 2: Take Responsibility for Yourself.
It's your life, and feeling victimized only takes power away from you. Behaving in a way that devalues your own power is going to have negative effects on what people think about you and whether they think you are attractive.

What you do want to project is the notion that you are in charge of your destiny and can direct your life with aplomb. You want to prove that you have control over your own future and your life and that you can make things happen for yourself. You are not at the mercy of others. It's hard to feel really attracted to someone who feels victimized, and it sets things up for bad cycles in the future.

If you've been victimized in the past, you may have extra hurdles to overcome. As such, it's vital that you protect your feelings in a relationship. But this goes hand in hand with projecting a strong, reliant persona that cannot, and will not, be treated unkindly.

If your feelings of being victimized are persistent and daunting, you might do well to read books on how to overcome abuse, or to talk to a therapist or a support group about your specific situation. Feeling like a victim is not your fault and it is not wrong, if indeed that is how you feel. But acting empowered from here on out is something you can control. Regardless of how you've been treated in the past, the future is yours - put yourself in control of it. Not only will that help you make smart choices, but it will make you more attractive to others as well.

Here are examples of self-honoring choices (Taylor, 2001):
1. Be honest with yourself and others
2. Express your emotions appropriately
3. Be true to your values
4. Have healthy respect for your time and energy
5. Learn to be flexible and comfortable with change

Action Item 3: Realize Your Own Value.
You know, of course, that no one is better than anyone else. So logic would follow that you are not better than anyone you date. Nor is anyone you date better than you. Pretty elementary, right? Well, we've all behaved in a manner contrary to this basic premise. We've all gone running back to someone who repeatedly blew us off and we've all blown people off who insisted on running back to us.

When our feelings for someone are not reciprocated, our best bet is to back out of the relationship, or at least to learn how to bring it to a lower level, where feelings are indeed on a even plane. Failing to do this not only leads to frustration and a damaged ego, it can project an unflattering image of ourselves to other people.

The bottom line is that if you don't respect yourself or if you don't feel worthy, you're not going to attract healthy potential relationships or sexual partners. In other words, you won't be attracting the kind of person you'd even want to be with. Even if you're not looking to meet someone, this behavior still affects you, because the value you attribute to yourself affects how all people treat you, not just romantic prospects.

Like anything else, you cannot just realize this and suddenly change your self-destructive ways. While sometimes paying intense attention to this issue is necessary, via help from professionals, there are other ways to do it as well. Affirmations are things that you say to yourself that you wish you already believed. Saying them can actually help you identify how you want to feel and you can use them to your advantage. Affirmations about realizing your own value include (from Taylor, 2001):

1. I deserve love and respect.
2. I am a worthy and valuable person.
3. I'm learning to intervene when I start to criticize myself.
4. I'm strong and determined.
5. I can create my own destiny.
6. The quality of my life is up to me.
7. I'm learning to accept everything about myself.
8. I choose to believe the best about myself.
9. I choose and deserve to be happy.
10. Self-criticism is an old habit I'm letting go of.
11. I believe in myself.
12. The quality of my relationships is up to me.(from Taylor, 2001)

Action Item 1: Be a great listener.
Being an effective communicator isn't simply based on how well you can talk and interpret — half of this art is listening. While most people think listening is something they can do naturally, it is often a skill that needs to be developed. The more you learn how to consider what someone else is saying, the more you will create a level of trust. Trust brings out the best between two people and builds a feeling of comfort and intimacy.

Action Item 2: Make yourself available.
You can't get a date if you're not out meeting people who are like yourself and to whom you are likely to be attracted. The more energy you can put into this the better, assuming that you don't let the search discourage you. All good things come in time, and perseverance will get you what you want. Seek out people whose attention you truly desire, and make sure you spend a fair amount of time doing it. And don't believe that there is any one magic way to attracting attention. Be open to a number of possibilities. Just be conscious that you are exerting patience, as desperation is not attractive. And besides, who says there's a time limit to finding someone?

Action Item 3: Stand up for yourself.
Don't be a doormat. When someone treats you unkindly, establish your boundaries and let that person know you won't be bullied. Also, present yourself as a united front. Stand by your guns and don't try to seem more attractive to each person you talk to by adjusting your opinions to match his. It will have the opposite effect. You have to be "you," even if it seems scary to do so sometimes. Otherwise, why would anyone trust or respect you?

Action Item 1: Be optimistic.
When you look into the future and see things that you want and that you look forward to having, or when you look into the future and see light and positively, you give off a vibe that is very positive. People want to be around a person who is heading toward good things. When you feel optimistic about what is to come, so do others around you. And they feel optimistic about being around you.

Most people find sarcasm and pessimism draining to be around after a while. If you're inclined towards that way of thinking, it's not always so easy to just try and stop it. Sometimes a bitter outlook is a defense; a precursor of depression. Don't take this lightly, and don't ignore it. If you think you might be depressed and increasing your attractiveness is a motivator for you to seek help, that's great. But remember that your health and your future are much more important than landing a date.

Action Item 2: Believe in people.
Of course people can't read your mind, but what you are thinking can affect the vibe you give off. Believe it or not, people are incredibly sensitive to not being trusted. Why should they trust you if you don't trust them? Besides, if you start off a relationship with a worst-case scenario in mind, you're more than likely setting yourself up for the catastrophe you fear. Sometimes empathy - seeing things from another person's perspective - and a leap of faith is needed.

Keep in mind that if you find it difficult or impossible to believe in people in general, you might have some other, more serious issues to grapple with before you can even starting to address or improve your vibe.

Action Item 3: Get comfortable.
No matter how much stress life is dishing you, what people pick up on is how well, or not well, you deal with it. If you react by getting tense, impatient or irritable, you aren't going to attract people to you. Stress has negative effects on your health as well, as it can affect the health of your skin and eating habits — and therefore your physical attractiveness.

So how do you get calmer, get more comfortable in your own skin? Take stock of your life in general and your history of making changes in order to avoid stress. If it's hard for you to talk to others about what's bothering you, it might be worth it to work a little on that. Sometimes reducing stress can be as simple as changing an external situation that is causing you to feel stressed.

If you have a lot of external stress coming at you, try meditating or practicing yoga. Taking the time to sit calmly, in silence, and noticing how you feel can do a lot toward dissipating stress. Going for walks, remembering to breathe — these can relieve pent-up stress. By identifying what's not working in your life and changing it, you can empower yourself. Before making any big changes, you may want to make sure that the stress is not coming from inside of you — in that case, all the external changes in the world won't do the trick.

Action Item 1: Take care of your teeth.
It's easy to blow it off, especially when you are young. But it's not easy to cover up poor maintenance, and oftentimes the damage you do is irreversible. Plaque might not be topping your list of concerns, but most people actually notice and care about the condition of your teeth. Brush your teeth day and night, and don't forget to floss! It's the secret weapon for great teeth and good breath.

Action Item 2: Smell good.
You can brush until you're blue in the face, but unless you floss, you won't get to one of the roots of bad breath: the food scraps that live amongst your molars. When you don't take care of your teeth, you risk the problem of halitosis, or bad breath. Sometimes it is hard to know if your breath stinks — if people are backing away from you or your lover is frequently trying to get out of kissing you, you may ask yourself why. Talk to a trusted friend, or ask a physician or a dentist. There are ways to control such problems.

And just as our scent can drive people away, it can also bring 'em in. Increasingly, scientists are growing to understand the dramatic effect that scents can play in attraction. Perfume manufacturers tell us that musky scents communicate sexiness, and now scientists are backing up those claims. There is also evidence that pheromones — hormone-associated "scents" that aren't something you can detect the smell of but that affect you nonetheless — impact attractiveness and patterns of attraction. In our "What Turns You On" sex test, we discuss this in more detail.

Action Item 3: Treat your body like a temple.
You've only got one body. Treat it right and it will do the same to you. This might sound like a no-brainer, but showering regularly is essential. Different cultures have different social mores concerning hygiene, but as a general rule, bad body odor is the best way to drive other people away.

There's nothing inherently wrong with not showering frequently — in fact many claim Americans are too into being clean and are wasteful with all the showering and cleaning they engage in. But if you don't match your culture's minimum standards for what is "clean", you're probably going to turn people away that you might be very well suited to in all other ways.

Change for you will be easy, but only if you really want to make it. Most of your attractiveness potential lies in behavioral changes you can make. This means that, for whatever reason thus far, you have not been inspired enough to those subtle shifts. It might be because of lack of information, but it also may be because you're resisting being attractive at the same time that you're wanting it. You may want to ask yourself whether there are any reasons you might not want to be attractive. If you are fighting against internal attitudes against being attractive, it will work against the change you are trying to make.