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The first step to improving your Relationship IQ,
so it can benefit you in your relationships, is to look at how your
scored on four Relationship IQ dimensions: Acceptance,
Communication, Conflict Resolution,
and Intimacy and Sex.
Acceptance
On this scale, a score of 10 represents what the experts say is the
right way to accept your partner's differences. You scored a 7.
Some experts in the field of relationships at the University of Washington
have spent their entire careers researching different aspects of what
makes romantic relationships work. Combining their own examinations
with data from an extensive inventory of couples' relationships, they
have determined that the majority of couples in happy relationships
feel that their partner respects their emotions, opinions, and ideas.
These findings support the premise that for a healthy relationship to
flourish, you must appreciate, and feel appreciated, by your partner
— whether you know it or not. That is because appreciation comes
in various forms, and those forms help build the basis of a good relationship.
In short, the right way to have a relationship is to make sure you make
your partner know how and why you value them, and to expect the same
from them.
On the whole, it's easier to appreciate people for things you can
see, things that are tangible, like someone making dinner for you or
picking you up after work. Those are things you routinely acknowledge
with a verbal "thank you" or even a non-verbal "thank
you" such as a hug or a kiss.
What you really need to ask yourself on this dimension is if you truly
accept your significant other's thoughts, values, and opinions. If you
score lower than you'd like on the Acceptance scale, stop and ask yourself:
- Would you prefer it if everyone shared the same views as you?
- Or are you able to see validity in everyone's point of view, regardless
of how different it is from your own?
- Do you just not care what others believe?
People's opinions and values run the gamut from extremely conservative
to extremely liberal and everything in between. Some prefer their significant
other to have the same opinions and values, while others embrace the
different opinions and values of their partner. The Acceptance dimension
of your Relationship IQ looks at how you view differences in opinion
that may come up between yourself and another person.
For the most part, you accept others for who they are and acknowledge
their individual beliefs and views. But there may be times when another's
views are so strange to you that you simply can't understand them. This
usually occurs when you disagree on a topic that is near and dear to
your heart.
There are some values that you may insist
that your partner share with you, but it's okay for you to have some
differences, too — so long as they're not on the biggest issues.
You have a "live and let live" approach the majority of the
time. But there are some viewpoints that are so important to you that
you would prefer you and your partner to be on the same page. You may
even feel angry with your partner when you disagree on these important
issues.
You are well aware that different people have different values and
you live your life according to that. But those values that you hold
near and dear to your heart may present an obstacle to your relationships.
When you disagree with your loved one, it may affect how the two of
you connect. To remain close, try to have a conversation with your loved
one about their views — but do so when you are calm and open to
discussing different opinions, not just hearing yourself talk about
why your views are superior. The more you disagree with a point of view,
the more questions you should ask about it. That will help you gain
a better perspective.
Communication
On this scale, a score of 10 represents what the experts say is the
right way to communicate with your partner. You scored a 9.
The ability to communicate well affects every aspect of your life.
In order to get something, you have to be able to make your need for
it known. To connect with others, you have to open up your world to
them. Communication is all about how clearly you express yourself and
your needs. Your skill with communication is also indicated by how well
you are able to hear what others have to say, whether through words
or non-verbal communication like body language. As such, communication
has been studied by psychologists from many different angles. The most
current research indicates that in order to have a successful relationship,
partners must feel as if they are able to express their differences
(Wallerstein, 2002), as well as be a good listener (Schwartz, 2002).
In short, the right way to have a relationship is to be open to talking
about issues as well as be willing to listen to your partner.
The Communication skills dimension looks at your expectations around
communication in general, how you relate to people in your life. The
degree of comfort you feel in expressing your own needs and beliefs/thoughts/opinions
directly impacts your ability to relate to others on an intimate level.
But communication is not a one-way street. That is why the Communication
dimension also looks at how you figure out what your significant other
is saying to you through words or body language.
You are quite capable of letting the people in your life know your
needs and what is on your mind. You are skilled at putting your thoughts
and feelings into words and conveying their meaning to those who surround
you. In addition, you are very perceptive when it comes to understanding
what others are trying to say to you through conversation or body language.
In your relationships, you are likely to place a good deal of emphasis
on talking with and listening to your loved one. You are also able to
understand your partner on a nonverbal level — you know what that
look means, what words that smile is trying to convey. The more you
express yourself to your significant other and the more they communicate
to you, the more connected you feel. You are open to having in-depth
conversations with your partner on topics ranging from your relationship
to worldviews.
Your ability to clearly express how you feel and think is a great
part of your relationship. It helps you and your significant other learn
more about each other and deepen the intimacy of your relationship.
However, there may be times when you are ready, willing, and able to
sit down for that long chat and your loved one may not be up for it.
When this situation arises, be willing to put the topic on hold for
a better time, when the two of you can get the most out of it.
Conflict
Resolution
On this scale, a score of 10 represents what the experts say is the
right way to resolve conflict with your partner. You scored a 10.
No matter how perfect the relationship, you're bound to run into conflict
from time to time. So how do you handle it? Do you avoid the touchy
subject? Or do you dive right into the fray and meet the challenge head
on? Psychological research suggests that people who are able to bring
up points of contention and come to a solution together have a relationship
that is characterized by greater communication and intimacy (Canary
& Cupach, 1988; Fitzpatrick & Sollie, 1999). In short, the right
way to have a relationship is to address differences and points of difference.
The Conflict resolution dimension taps into how you deal with confrontation
when it arises. This refers to what you think it means to have a disagreement
with the significant person in your life and what you think is the best
way to deal with it. In addition, the Conflict dimension assesses your
understanding of resolving conflict.
You realize that conflict is a natural part of every relationship
and understand how to resolve disagreements with the people in your
life. That makes it easier for you to bring up even difficult topics
when they need to be discussed. It also makes it easier for your loved
one to come to you when they have issues they want to talk about, because
they know you'll probably be open to hearing them.
You are very open to resolving matters and tend to keep your emotions
in check when things have the potential to get heated. Because you have
a very levelheaded approach to conflict, your significant other feels
that they can bring up any issue — big or small — with you.
For you, a conflict is an opportunity to discuss important issues with
your loved one. When you do have an argument with your significant other,
you are flexible enough to hear their side while maintaining your own
view. And when it comes down to it, you are open to finding a win-win
solution.
Resolving conflicts requires a willingness to confront and be confronted
by a loved one on a sensitive topic, a good deal of flexibility in order
to see another's point of view, and a whole lot of creativity to find
a solution that works for the two of you. Keep on demonstrating all
of these qualities. When something is troubling you, find the right
time and place to bring it up with your loved one. Get your point across
while hearing what your significant other has to say. Then you'll be
able to come to an agreement that is mutually acceptable.
Intimacy
and Sex
On this scale, a score of 10 represents what the experts say is the
right way to express intimate feelings with your partner. You scored
a 9. IMHO sex and intimacy
are not one and the same and should have been scored separately.
I cannot have sex without intimacy, but I can definitely have intimacy
without sex. In this last relationship there was very very little
sex, which didn't bother me because there was a consistant flow of intimacy.
As the intimacy dwindled, I became uncomfortable and felt deprived.
For several decades, the role that sex plays in a relationship has
been studied by researchers across many different disciplines, including
biology, psychology, and sociology. Experts have concluded that sex
can be a way that people express emotional intimacy. They also concur
that sex can be a means for a couple to build upon the closeness that
they already have. In short, in order to have the right kind of relationship,
you need your physical connection to further your emotional connectedness
to your partner.
Sex can hold a powerful position in some relationships. It is one
of the factors that differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic
one. So what does sex mean for you? Is it the cornerstone of your romantic
relationship? Or are there things that are more significant? The Sex
and Intimacy dimension looks at the role sex plays in your relationship,
particularly how important or unimportant sex is for you.
Sex has a couple different components to it: how you approach sex
in your relationship and how much you generally know about sex. Here's
what we can tell you about how sex affects your personal relationships.
Sex can be very important for you. Being able to touch and be touched
is key in your relationship. You're probably likely to have more physical
contact with people in general, whether touching someone's arm when
they're telling a story or hugging friends when you say hello or goodbye.
You can be a very physical person, in the sense that you feel connected
to another person through bodily contact.
In a romantic relationship, you require a good deal of physical contact.
It is unlikely that you would enjoy being in a long-distance relationship
because your contact would be limited by geographic distance. You show
acceptance of your significant other through touch and feel accepted
by your partner when they touch you. It may feel as if your happiness
in a relationship is dependent upon your physical relationship. If your
partner refuses your physical advances, you may assume that this is
a tacit rejection of your love. It might be a good idea to develop some
other aspects of your relationship, too, so you can be sure to strike
a balance that will only deepen your intimacy.
Facts
of Life
How you deal with
sex is different from your general knowledge about sex. Here's how
you scored on specially designated "facts of life" questions
on our test: 5 out of 10.
With a score like that, we can tell you know
the basics and then some about sex. Sex is fun and interesting to
you, but it doesn't consume your life. You don't necessarily go out
looking for new sex information, but somehow you've picked up some
new facts along the way. Want to see how we figured your general
knowledge about sex? Here's the answer key.
"Facts of life" answer key (a few
of the questions)
12. At what age, on average, do most people
lose their virginity?
15. __ percent of men and __ percent of women think about sex every
day.
18. When asked what they would prefer to do, more people choose spending
time with friends over having sex.
21. On average, Americans have __ sexual partners across their lifetime,
while internationally, people have an average of ___ sexual partners.
22. A woman takes approximately ___ minutes
longer to reach sexual climax than a man.
31. On average, married couples have sex ___ times per week and couples
living together have sex ___ times per week.
36. Female teenagers, on the whole, have sex more often than their
male counterparts.
37. What percentage of Americans have had only one sexual partner
in their lifetime?
40. As people age, they become more interested in their own sexual
satisfaction as opposed to their partner's.
41. More than half of women who use condoms carry them with them.
I can't give the answers.....
that wouldn't be fair!! (go to eM de
and take the test!) |
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