This might sound nuts to you, but hear me out. There is a big difference between being pessimistic and conditioned. Be true to yourself. And that means something very different for each of us.  That sacred ground needs to be respected.

I believe we can only change so much, but that our core is IT.  It IS who we ARE.  Ibelieve we cannot change our core, but we can learn to live with it and work around it!  I have spent as long as I can remember trying to improve myself.  At work I have problems with authority and being too aggressive.  Not that I personally have a problem with those things, but that is who I am.  I am a go getter.  I'm a doer, not a watcher.  My personality (ISTJ) is very strong, and offensive to other types.  I've had to learn to appreciate my type and others'.

I go after what I want, attack problems before they get to me -  so I have had to work long and hard to find a way to control that so others don't perceive my energy in a negative way.  Have had to learn certain ways of communicating that does not intimidate people or put them on the defensive.  Never has that been my intention... but it is my core.  That's what has carried me through so much adversity.  Being a figher has helped me survive.

And... being through so much adversity has made me realize that there are too many freaking head games in day to day life with those wr'te in contact with.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and yet - the brain must work before the mouth.  However I'm tried of the games and assess on a case by case basis whether or not I feel like playing. 

If you don't like my answers - ask more positive questions.  It annoys me to no end when someone asks a question, I answer them honestly, then they come back with some sort of opinion that is supposed to be an answer to a problem they have decided I must have.  Stop! 

You asked. "How was your day Rosie?" 
I answered. "Not good!  I did this n that, it sucked.  I'll try again tomorrow."
You replied. "Why don't you...."
Stop!

I didn't ask you to analyze it or become my new advisor.  I simply answered you honestly.  That does not constitute as an official 'complaint', it was simply.... the answer.  If I want your help in solving a problem, I will ask for it! Don't be offended.  Choose.

Loyalty, honor, sincerity, integrity... that's what I'm about. It may not be what I always acheive every time, but that is the goal all the time.  Oh, I've tried to change for people.  Tried to become who this or that person wanted me to be.  Tried to just go with the flow and never question.  tried to just do my job and nothing more.  Tried to blend into the background and not stand out.  That's NOT me.  I did not accomplish those things.  I never did learn how to practice those qualities effectively.  That's just not me.

I am simply me.  That can change from day to day, and often does.  Constantly seeking out solutions to my imprefections means I try hard.  It doesn't mean I will ever be perfect. I am not out to please anyone.  I am out to be the best person I can be according to my own values and standards ruled by my own convictions.  Technically.... is that not what we ALL do.  I mean reeeeeaaally - c'mon.  That IS what we all do.  Some may be more worried about what others feel or what others think, and that's fine if that is their conviction.... that is not my conviction.

I want to believe in people.  I want to trust people.  I want to believe that there is good in everyone.  My desire for a harmonious world leaves me open for disappointment.  But -  the fact that I am reality based and have learned the "Show Me" or "Prove It" attitude, has made me somewhat calloused.  Something inside me always brings me back to my core.  I used to believe that everyone deserved the same chance, the same circumstances as the last person.  Not so any more.

I need to SEE the proof that you are a liar or a cheat  or a theif to actually make that judgement.  I need to catch someone red handed before I can pass that judgement.  This has led to many many foolish situations in relationships, because I believed what I wanted to believe, instead of reading the signs and going with my gut instinct.  However, once I do see these things, it is very difficult (not impossible) for me to fully trust again.  And when I'm done - I'm done.

Over the years and the disappointments, I have learned to go with my instincts.  The sad part is that people do not have the chance they used to with me.  It's like a self deffence mechanism that clicks in once a certain line has been crossed.  This is particularly why I have so few friends - they've been lost in my personal bermuda TRYangle - and why I deeply treasure the ones that I do have.

Inside, I am sad........... what has happened to our nations people.  When we used to be able to let our kids play in the fron yard without worrying about them.  When we used to help out our neighbors, or someone broken down on the side of the road, without expecting something from them.  Without that 'You owe me one' attitude.  When people used to actually say please and thank you and God forbid - Excuse me!  Why the blatant disregard for courtesy?

In case you care to know where my soul stands and where I am in my faith. For those of you who are T-Totaly turned off by "God talk" or can't stomach Christianity, I have spared you the torture , and made a seperate page for that stuff.  In the meantime, try not to be so damned shallow minded and smug.

I'd MUCH rather have someone tell me right up front what's going on, vs going behind my back!  Especially when you give them the open door.... She already knows, she figured it out, she's got your number.... "Are you doing (seeing, going, telling, leaving,  - whatever) such-n-such?"?  And open door!  It might slam very very loudly on your head or foot.... but there it is!  Your ticket... yes or no.  If you answer NO... the charade continues, both people get hurt worse, you get more frustrated, she's getting hurt and more angry because she knows he's lying, but she wants to believe, so she convinces herself to trust his words.  Yet he still has to sneek and complain behind her back!  If he'd just say 'YES!  Okay, Yes, I'm sorry, it's over, done, nothing more to it. "  Period.  Shit, it'd be even better if he went to her in the first place instead of playing two fiddles.

Treat people as you want to be treated.  Treat yourself better and you will treat others better. Care sincerely, but let others be who they are and make their choices, and love them in spite of it.  Agree to disagree.  Don't fight, it's not worth it.  Be honest.  SIMPLIFY!